on the breaks but he couldn’t stop fast enough! Oh how his grill is going to look after this! What a mess, and the headlight is shot. Oh dear, and that body is certainly flying! He lands on black hard road skipping a few times and it looks bad and not good.
The Elbow Noodle at the wheel with big eyes. He’s a forward bent Elbow Noodle so his head hit the windshield, but he didn’t break it because his head is macaroni you know. His car is all together slid off the road and the front is really bent up from the person he just hit.
The Elbow Noodle jumps out of his car and runs to the person’s side. The person is lying there in a pile on the ground just looking a whole lot horrible with not a bit good mixed in for flavor.
“You alright kid?” asks the Elbow Noodle and he really feels bad about the whole “running over” thing.
“fine.” The person says in a small voice and the Elbow Noodle knows that now he has to give this person a blasted ride because of the whole “running him over” thing.
“Well…” The Elbow Noodle stomps his foot, “get in the car. You can ride up front because of the whole “running you over” thing.”
“thanks,” says the person and he uncrumples from the ground.
The Elbow Noodle tries to help him up, but the man is very pulled into himself, and the Elbow Noodle has trouble getting a good hold. The man gets into the Elbow Noodles car and the Elbow Noodle kicks the fender.
The car still all works just fine and they are whistling along in no time at all just comfy as a clam or two. The Elbow Noodle grips the steering wheel with starchy fingers, wringing his padded wheel cover with the vinyl straps. He shifts his noodle rear on the vinyl seat and sweats. He sweats a lot. He’s sweating and looking in the rear-view mirror. He looks from one rear view mirror to the other, back and forth, back and forth. One to the other, back and forth. And all the while he’s sweating more and more and looking back and forth.
“THERE’S NOTHING IN THE TRUNK!” Screams the Elbow Noodle and his teeth show he says it so loudly. He’s panting and staring at the man he ran over and not watching the road, but he has one eye on the rear-view mirror just in case.
“okay,” Says the man who got run over and it’s hard to see his face because he hides it but that’s okay because no one remembers faces anyway. The guy curls up against the door like he always does and stares at the things going by outside even though he can’t see them.
The Elbow Noodle is getting a headache from having one eye one way and one the other and it’s no good for his vision besides, so he turns back to the road and the road turns back to him.
“Sorry about that whole running you over thing,” says the Elbow Noodle and he means it though he’s very edgy and still sweating.
“at least you stopped,” says the man who got run over.
“You’ve been run over before?”
“yea.”
“What’s gotten into a world where people run you over but won’t even stop to give you a ride,” the Elbow Noodle grits his teeth, leering at the desert out front.
“social decay,” mutters the guy who’s face is hard to see.
The Elbow Noodle jumps up on the seat screaming and swinging his fist at the man crumpled by the door, “If I saw someone run you over and they didn’t even stop to give you a ride I’d give ‘em hell!”
“thank you,” the crumpled man mutters into the door handle.
“And another thing!” The Elbow Noodle leans over top of the crumpled man whose face is hard to see, but before the Elbow Noodle can scream his other thing there is a Dead Battery on the side of the road with his thumb out.
“Guess I better pick this guy up before he jumps in front of the car too!” Shouts the Elbow Noodle and the man he ran over stays quiet right where he is.
The elbow noodle leans out the window shaking his fist and shouts at the hitch-hiking Dead battery, “What do you want you dead beat?”
“I want a ride, give me a ride, I need a ride, let me come with you because I have to be somewhere!” shouts the Dead Battery and he jumps up and down waving his hands in the air.
“Get in the car you waste!” The Elbow Noodle pounds his fist on the roof, “I gotta’ get moving!”
“I want to sit in the front!” The Dead Battery opens the passenger door. “Get out because I want to sit in the front, and you should sit in the back!”
The Elbow Noodle stabs an iron finger at the guy crumpled up in the passenger seat, “This guy gets to sit in front!” and the look in the Elbow Noodle’s eye threatens the Dead Battery with violence.
“All right! I’ll sit in the back!” The dead battery stands on the back seat where he can see to the front.
Now the Elbow Noodle is really sweating, and his vinyl seat is starting to stick to him. His feet are sticking to the peddles and his eyes are starting to stick to the rear-view mirror.
“Why do you keep looking in the rear-view mirror?” Shouts the Dead Battery.
“THERE’S NOTHING IN THE TRUNK!” screams the Elbow Noodle. He turns all the way around to yell it at the Dead Battery and he’s showing his teeth and he looks really mad and he’s sweating.
The Dead Battery says nothing because this is a forward bent Elbow Noodle, and he knows better. The Elbow Noodle turns back to his rear-view mirror, and everything is quiet. But it is very little time before it all happens too long, and the waiting is just happening too much, and the Dead Battery has to speak because he’s getting antsy.
“I’m a C battery!” shouts the Dead Battery and he holds his hands in the air.
“It don’t matter what kind of battery you are because you’re a DEAD BATTERY!” roars the Elbow Noodle swinging his fist and he almost hits the guy he ran over.
“It does to matter because I am a rare breed of battery only fitting certain devices and I am very much in demand BECAUSE I am a C battery!” The Dead Battery stands on the back seat.
The Elbow Noodle turns around so he can shake his fist at the Dead Battery, and he has only one hand on the wheel and no eyes on the road or rear-view mirror.
“C batteries are good for NOTHING! I can’t remember the last time I needed a C battery because they are USELESS! Besides all that you are a DEAD BATTERY! You are no good to no one! Not even people with devises that use C batteries!”
The Dead Battery blinks a few times and stands still. Then he shakes his hands in the air with rage. “I have never eaten an Elbow Noodle I have enjoyed! In fact, I think I would choke if I tried to eat an Elbow Noodle and perhaps die the experience would be so bad!”
“I hope you do choke!” screams the Elbow Noodle and he turns back to the road and rear view mirrors but leaves one fist shaking at the Dead Battery.
“And how do you know I am not a rechargeable?” The Dead Battery waves his hands in the air.
“I know your kind.” The Elbow Noodle stops looking forward to look back and closes his eyes almost all the way making a very mean face. “You run hot and got all the energy in the world when you’re young. You zoom around and do all sorts of fancy tricks and hoot it up with women and booze and everyone thinks you’re so great. But then you get old and run out of juice and you stagger around looking for a remote control or something low watt so you can handle it, but you’re just worn out and useless! You’re a good for nothing waste and you’ll end up getting wet and leaking acid all over my seat!”
The Elbow Noodle swings his head forward so fast it hits the windshield but that’s okay because his head is soft pasta. He shakes both fists at the Dead Battery for a moment then puts them back on the wheel. The Dead Battery has his mouth wide open and is speechless. He’s standing on the back seat with his hands at his sides and he’s not happy.
“You are a mean old Forward Bent Elbow Noodle, and you haven’t got a nice bit about you!” The Dead Battery waves his hands in the air. “I was just trying to be nice and talk but you are really mean and who cares what you think about batteries anyway!” The Dead Battery stomps his feet, “You haven’t a nice bone in your whole body!”
“he stopped after he ran me over,” whispers the guy the Elbow Noodle ran over.
The Dead Battery is confused, and he looks back and forth at the Elbow Noodle and the guy who the Elbow Noodle ran over. “You didn’t just keep driving?”
The Elbow Noodle tightens his grip on the steering wheel and tightens the grit of his teeth. His yellow pasta body is sweating, and his rear end is sticking to the seat. His feet are sticking to the peddles and his eyes are sticking to the rear-view mirrors at intervals.
The Dead Battery screams, “That makes you soft!”
The Elbow Noodle takes in a deep breath to explode but immediately all three are enthralled by a figure by the side of the road. It’s a Three-Legged Dog with a cowboy hat and six shooters and cowboy boots. The Three-Legged Dog is smoking a cigarette and he looks very tuff, and he has a purpose that is plain to see but the purpose is not easy to tell.
In spite of itself The Elbow Noodle’s car pulls over. The Elbow Noodle leans out the window and shouts at the Three-Legged Dog, “Well?”
The Three-Legged Dog sets his hand on the hood of the car and the engine turns off. He holds his cigarette in his teeth and his teeth are long and pointy and his breath is bad. His face is dry, and tan and his ears are stiff, and he talks like John Wayne.
“I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw.”
The Elbow Noodle, the Dead Battery and the guy who the Elbow Noodle ran over are kind of scared and they don’t know what to do really.
“Wasn’t me,” they all mumble.
“All right then,” The Three-Legged Dog stops holding the car and the engine turns back on. “Can I have a ride then?”
So the Three Legged Dog who talks like John Wayne gets in the back and it keeps the Dead Battery quiet to be sitting with the tuff dog. And the Elbow Noodle is sweating really bad and there are pools of sweat all around him and he’s grinding his teeth and griping the wheel. He’s watching the rear-view mirrors and not much of the road ahead and the car is swerving a bit because of it but the Elbow Noodle can handle that in his sleep.
“Say,” says the Three-Legged Dog, but he can’t finish his thought because of the Elbow Noodle.
“THERE’S NOTHING IN THE TRUNK!” Screams the Elbow Noodle and he’s quite sure about it.
The guy the Elbow noodle ran over shoves his face into the door handle. The Dead Battery has big eyes now and he’s looking at the Three-Legged Dog and he thinks something bad will happen, so he kicks with his feet and pushes himself against the door so tight he looks like part of the upholstery.
“All right then,” says the Three-Legged Dog in the voice like John Wayne and he nods. “I was just goin’ ta ask if any of you fellas know who shot my paw?”
The Dead Battery and the guy who the Elbow Noodle ran over shake their heads very fast. The Elbow Noodle stares at the road and the rear-view mirrors, and he grits his teeth and says, “No.”
“Well, all right then.”
Up ahead there is a building standing over the road and all the cars are stopping under it.
“There are no Toll Booths in the desert!” Shouts the Dead Battery. “Where have you gotten us to you crazy Elbow Noodle?”
“Everybody stay calm!” screams the Elbow Noodle. “We’ll get through this! Just act normal and pretend there’s nothing in the trunk!”
“Well, if I remember right, I heard it said that toll booths cost twenty-seven cents,” says the Three-Legged Dog. “Does anyone have twenty-seven cents?”
They look from one to the other and all can tell the other hasn’t got that kind of cash and now they are only a few cars back in the line.
“Pull together what we have!” shouts the Dead Battery. Everyone searches their pockets and gives what they have to the Dead Battery. The Elbow Noodle has three pennies, the Three-Legged Dog has six pennies and a nickel, The guy who the Elbow Noodle ran over has four pennies and the Dead Battery has three pennies and two Canadian pennies.
“We only have twenty-three cents, and that’s only if the Canadian money fools them!” The Dead Battery pours the change into the Elbow Noodles hand.
“Just act calm!” the Elbow Noodle screams. “We’ll play this out and see what happens! We’re only four cents short.” The Elbow Noodle grits his teeth. “They wouldn’t kill for that.”
So now they are all sweating, and the Dead Battery is starting to leak acid on the seat just like the Elbow Noodle said he would. They are next in line and the Elbow Noodle smiles at the ranger.
“H-h-hello o-o-ocifer.” The Elbow Noodle shakes all over and he’s shaking so much he’s having a hard time staying in his seat. His pasta body is not sweating anymore but it’s cold with fear. “C-c-c-can I help? Uh, er, I mean, you?”
The officer is a big prickly Saguaro Cactus with a warm smile. But before the cactus can answer the Three-Legged Dog is standing on the roof of the car looking the Cactus right in the eye. The Three-Legged Dog’s hands hover over his six shooters and his mouth is open just a bit so the ranger can see his teeth.
“I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw.”
“Well, I didn’t do it,” says the cactus, and he smiles again.
“All right then,” says the Three-Legged Dog with the voice like John Wayne and he sits back in the car.
The Saguaro Cactus officer turns back to the Elbow Noodle just in time for him to scream, “THERE’S NOTHING IN THE TRUNK!” And immediately the Elbow Noodle hides his head under his arm.
The Saguaro Cactus officer jumps back, but then he smiles because this is a forward bent Elbow Noodle, and he should have expected as much.
“Well, that makes my job easier.” The Cactus officer smiles. “I just need to know if you have any fruits or vegetables with you?”
“THERE’S NOTHING IN THE GLOVE BOX!” The Elbow Noodle screams holding his hand over the glove box, then puts his head under his arm again. He’s shaking so much he’s falling off his seat and it’s kind of hard to see him because the shaking is making him a blur.
“That’s good. Any fruits or vegetables anywhere else?”
The Elbow Noodle still has his head under his arm. He’s so terrified he stops shaking and sits stone still and turns white. He takes a peek at the guy he ran over, the Dead Battery, and the Three-Legged Dog.
“No,” the Elbow Noodle whispers.
The Cactus officer smiles. “Well, there’s no problem then. Have a nice da-“ but the Saguaro officer can’t finish because the Elbow Noodle throws the twenty three cents at him, slams on the gas, and as the car speeds away he screams, “PLEASE DON’T KILL US!”
The Elbow Noodle is panting and sweating. He’s not looking into the rear-view mirrors anymore but at the road ahead and he’s paying very close attention because he’s too afraid to look back.
The Dead Battery is looking back, and he can see no one following them. “Wow Elbow Noodle, you’re so smart! You’re a Hero!” The Dead Battery waves his hands. “You did a great thing there handling that Cactus and the way you talked to him and all!”
“Good job Elbow Noodle,” the Three-Legged Dog pats him on the macaroni back.
“good job,” whispers the guy the Elbow Noodle ran over and no one can see his face.
The Elbow Noodle laughs a dry laugh, and his lips are dry, and his eyes are blood shot.
So much relief and admiration is swirling around the car they can’t help but stop for a drink to celebrate. The Three-Legged Dog is the first to the doors and he kicks them off of their hinges. Both doors break in half and the walls crack. The doors fly across the room smashing a table and chairs. The Three-Legged Dog steps into the room with a disgusted look on his face and his hands over his six shooters. The spurs on his boots jingle as each foot lands with a threatening thump. His eyes are squinted, and his teeth are showing, and his cigarette is hanging from his lip.
“I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw.”
And no one in the bar is the one who did it and they all say so.
“No one in here wants any trouble mister,” says the bartender as he dries a glass with a rag. “Why don’t you come on in and settle down. First drink’s on me.”
“All right then,” says the Three Legged Dog who talks like John Wayne. The Elbow Noodle, Dead Battery and the guy the Elbow Noodle ran over come in behind the Three-Legged Dog and they sit at a table.
They all have a good slogin snoot full to get started and the Dead Battery is drunk immediately. But being a Dead Battery, things change very little for him when he is drunk except perhaps his perception and powers of self awareness.
The guy the Elbow Noodle ran over would normally not drink a whole glass of any liquor, but he is celebrating not being killed by any one of the numerous dangerous things that happened today.
The Elbow Noodle is so relaxed by not being near the trunk of his car to protect it that he leans back with the glass on his belly and a lets go a sigh.